I received the best letter ever today, one that I apparently have needed for some time but didn’t even know it. Turns out there’s this group called St. Matthew’s Churches in Oklahoma that knows me without even knowing my name. They’ve detected, through some kind of magic, that I need some direction in my life. They decided to loan me a letter with a bunch of cool stuff in it so I could get right to turning my miserable, useless life around and start obeying orders.
I flipped the envelope over to find even more good news:
Prophecies? Sealed prophecies? That’s Indiana Jones type stuff! And it also appeared that my time was running out since God’s divine power would only work for tonight and tomorrow night. I knew I was on to something good and I didn’t have time to waste so of course I decided to open it and peruse its contents.
Inside was a letter talking about handkerchiefs. They already had me at “sealed prophecy” so I read on:
So they prayed over my address and knew I was in need. Man, they nailed that. And, to make things better, the Holy Spirit gave them some instructions. Now I find this interesting, because I’ve always felt like the Holy Spirit kinda gets overlooked by his more famous counterparts, God and Jesus. It’s kinda like Wilson Phillips; the fat one never got the same exposure as the two hot ones. Of course you gotta then wonder if the command from the Holy Spirit holds the same weight as a command from God or Jesus but then again, they’re all the same being so I guess a command from any one of the three should hold the same authority…I don’t know. I guess I’m confused; that’s why I need guidance.
I also read that this hanky stopped Dad from drinking! And all I had to do was stick it in a bible and sleep over it. Pretty easy. There was more:
The Holy Spirit was flowing through the very letter I had in my miserable little hands! By now I was pretty much convinced and I’d only gotten through the first two pages. The sender of my letter knew he/she needed to pray for me for some reason and I just couldn’t destroy my sealed prophecy. I checked every box and I wrote in 1 million dollars to be bestowed upon me. Except for the sending money option; that one I didn’t check. Why would I ask for money if I had it to give away?
Here’s the newsletter I received. Turns out, returning the Holy Hanky brings people free money from unknown sources, gets kids off dope and alcohol, and allows home improvement projects to move forward.
This dude looks like he’s in bad shape. Luckily for him the Holy Hanky was there to purge the evil spirits from his body. Evil spirits are like roaches; for every one you see there are ten you don’t see.
Here’s my Holy Hanky in action. Very impressive.
And here’s my personal hanky (on loan to me, of course). It’s double-sided.
Remarkable, huh? Unfortunately I was unable to wait to open my prophecy, despite these warnings:
So I opened my own, personalized prophecy that an unknown person sent to a random address in another state. Here is wisdom beyond your comprehension. Read it at your own peril.
And, for good measure, here’s the full picture of Jesus flying. Now this is just fuckin’ bad ass, you gotta admit.
Here’s my return envelope that I’m supposed to use to send my hanky back. I guess since they don’t know my name I’m supposed to write it in the box. The prayers probably work better after they know my name.
“With God all things are possible” (the next morning). He’s a busy guy, running the world and granting wishes and all that. I think a twenty four hour turnaround is pretty reasonable, all things considered.
This is the coolest Jesus letter I’ve ever received, and I’ve received lots of them. Only now do I realize just how lost I was and how much I needed this hanky to bring peace and stability to my life. Now you too can turn your pathetic life around and start obeying Wilson Phillips (but I’d still just ignore the fat one if I was you).
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