I received the best letter ever today, one that I apparently have needed for some time but didn’t even know it. Turns out there’s this group called St. Matthew’s Churches in Oklahoma that knows me without even knowing my name. They’ve detected, through some kind of magic, that I need some direction in my life. They decided to loan me a letter with a bunch of cool stuff in it so I could get right to turning my miserable, useless life around and start obeying orders.

I flipped the envelope over to find even more good news:

Prophecies? Sealed prophecies? That’s Indiana Jones type stuff! And it also appeared that my time was running out since God’s divine power would only work for tonight and tomorrow night. I knew I was on to something good and I didn’t have time to waste so of course I decided to open it and peruse its contents.

Inside was a letter talking about handkerchiefs. They already had me at “sealed prophecy” so I read on: Continue reading →